shutting down

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shutting down and opening up. being open can be a confusing thing when i mean being open i mean being it all not what you think you should do and when. There was a time in my life when i went into a major shut down and it took time dermitantion, confronting alot of darkness and faith but it miraclulousy reframed my whole life into a better direction that i the time i couldnt for see. I knew what i want to do when i turned 19 20. most kids my age were going off to college and i decided to shut down. i shut my self down at everything i allowed myself to feel everything for five years straight but i also stayed very open throughout the whole process to. i knew i did want to do anything or date or do the typical mediciocre stuff in life until i loved myself and i let my faith carry me all the way through the darkness to the light and to the other side never knowing if other humans would be on the other end to connect with and get me their but it worked. I forgot about my intent to love myself because it was a long dark journey and other things came up that had nothing to do with the books you read that tell you “how to” love yourself. it actually happened after i find this other spiritual teacher who was very ugly in her way when i found her but something  told me to stick it out with her. anyway its hard to explain but i had another shut down because i was going through so much turmoil on top of it this lady kept attacking me/ putting these illusion expectations and responsibilities that didn’t make sense just to avoid her own problem. stealing my thunder putting me in hell taking my words to nourish herself. not even aware that i was already in hell and she was putting me in hell trying to help me??   not just her but others to.eventually  but i new their was a bigger purpose that i couldn’t foresee so i pushed for it. i fought with her embarrassed myself then finally one day  after a convo with her i shut down and turned around and miraculously i felt these words rush out me from alot of stress and anguish…STOP DOING FAVORS FOR PEOPLE. I LOVE MYSELF!!! I even thanked her for being such an harsh angry asshole… i didnt say it like that but still…. then i also went into a deep sickness for 2 weeks and went deep into the emotion of regret. There was still uncovering to after that and getting into more dark stuff but that was the end towards a new beginning in my life. I made it. but i dont always feel amazing everyday because i love myself. ive gained a lot of spiritual insights along the way. i didn’t take a special spiritual path in life to get their either. i focus on what presented in front of my face and i commit to it. I know people have alot of pain of not being understood but going through endless amounts of dark and grief in my own life … i dont care to be understood anymore my only need is people respect and the scary thing that i eventually that people were not even aware of my pain. even those who would cry about their own pain. i guess i was just like that in life… blinded by my grief… now i dont get upset at problems bu that the problem is usually shared with so many that people get together in grief to find some happiness in life. i dont do that with others anymore and they are not always happy with me that i do it but they were not there when i was in pain they would just inflict more. Nobody has it together and i wish more people would just be honest with themselves about instead of always trying and asking a thousand questions nobody wants to hear it when their in pain so you can farther run away from yours. life is more then experience…experience means at the end of the day. Getting in touch with rage is a crucial step in growth. i didn’t push this lady away either i stay connected and she still keeps pissing me off until this day haha i think we’re going to the bestest of friends and be in union with each for a long time and set a new stage in this world for business and friendships. I think we might even be business partners but we still have things to work through… funny when i was younger i always saw a business partnership as an equally important relationship as a marriage… so this is going to be an interesting one. im taking the time to get my business marriage(lol) on the right foot.hopefully when my real marriage comes ill get that right too.

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