On my list of intentions for this month i wrote down to connect with my body. This month one of my favorite spiritual teachers put out a video on self love process (how to connect with yourself). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eHVH3iuRig. This is a process that i took on my own in the beginning of my journey . But i happy to see a more depth analysis and it also nice to have someone there to remind of things that you have forgotten along the path. Especially because things can get emotionally and mentally chaotic as things break down in yourself. Iv’e been doing years of deep work and have poored out tons of grief and i still hit walls and still have walls within my self. I know sometimes people are always looking to rush through things or solve problems super fast but there is a time and a place for everything …including levels of growth. It’s important to all the process to fold authentically and over time or it can make things worse.
I was doing this process today a few things came up. Like i just really want to get married and have kids but their is also a part of me that loves freedom. I want it i just don’t know when the time will seem fit for me. it might be a subject in my life that im controlling a little. I also felt things like it was not fair for my partner or anyone to have to deal with any baggage i have and i know i have baggage that keeps me from wanting to get married if when i come from an honest place not a “i should get married state.” Getting married and having kids is also probably one of the main reason behind why i was willing to do so much transformation work. Those are 2 things i want to get right in this lifetime even though i know it not going to always be peaches and cream but i want to be present for those so connection is important. I also had this attitude in the this process that came up…that was saying “oh you think you know better then me?” i was also feeling alot of back pain, arm pain(which i have been experiencing outside of this) shakiness(relationship trauma?) numbness. Subjects like cancer. fears like i have cancer. which is been also a big part of my process. it has impact my life negative and positively Im not sure how long i did it for and i know.Weight topic. others jealousy. which im wondering if in some way jealousy/regret go hand in hand. Feeling like what happened on my path should not have happened and feeling a little traumatized by my spiritual journey and feeling like i can’t go back and start it over its also in regards to someone i came across on the path. this person was very traumatizing but im also having fears and a hard time connecting with the person. which led us to crossing paths to begin with and receiving a miracle. We could call her an attacker or spiritual attacker but she must of done it looking for connection and feeling lonely. so im trying to understand her and be compassionate without judging her but also not pardoning her because i still think its fucked up. But something also came over me and told me that everything is going to be okay and i deserve to live a happy life. I feel sometimes i dont deserve to because there are other worse of and they should get things first. Im projecting myself onto others.Then i came to a part of myself i felt like i wanted to escape. also how i felt stuck in my routine. It felt like a good process do. start bring in more flow do another round again today.